There is a darkness that lies inside me. I wonder if it lies inside us all? I am so very aware of this darkness because sometimes it calls for me. It wants me to wallow in its despair. Forget the smiles and any chance of warm fuzzies when the darkness wants me, it sinks its claws in and pulls me down. I’ve been dealing with this darkness for most of my life. I remember moments as a child feeling this despair, feeling unloved. I don’t remember the first time I experienced this but I do remember the first time of being truly aware of the darkness taking over. I was sitting in my wheel chair alone in the dark. Just sitting. I felt so very alone even if I turned on a light I still would have been in the dark. I remember feeling the darkest deepest scariest feeling, it was beyond sorrow. I felt like not feeling at all any more. Not being apart of this darkness, I was thinking at the time the only escape was death. But somehow I got through it. After months and months of living there. It took a lot for me to pull out of it, in fact a three week stay at the psychiatric ward was part of my pulling out of it. That was almost 10 years ago. I have accomplished so much since then. I’ve become a better person. I’ve done better things for myself.. but still this darkness lies inside me just waiting to come out. Waiting for the right moment of self loathing and disappointment. Sometimes I feel so good, so amazing in fact that I find it hard to believe the darkness still lies inside me. Then I have other days where I feel so low, I feel the darkness ripping at my chest pulling me down. There is no way to stop it. No real reason for it to be there.. I understand why people self harm. I understand it well. Causing physical pain to yourself takes away from the emotional pain. How odd that pain takes away pain. But its not odd if you think about it. Causing physical pain increases your dopamine which is a feel good chemical in your brain. So your brain basically is trying to overcome the physical pain by rushing it with dopamine. So when people are harming themselves it is NOT to get attention, it really is just trying to take the emotional pain away. I used to cut myself to try and take away the darkness. But I have come to understand that the relief is only temporary but it leaves scars that last a lifetime. I’ve also come to understand that the darkness is also only temporary. I hate it when I am feeling it and get frustrated with it but I know it won’t last. I just need to allow myself to go through it and it will pass Yes Lisa, it will pass. I just need to remind myself. I understand why people end up killing themselves. It feels like you are going to feel this way forever. For some people it has been nearly a lifetime of feeling that way & they just want it to end. They just want the pain to be over. I can’t blame them for feeling that way, for just wanting the pain to end. I know very much how it feels. I also know that the pain does go away. That life does get better. I know that when the darkness comes it is only here for a visit, its not here to stay. It is not a fun visit but I have learned to deal better with it. To accept it for what it is. What it is, is only temporary.
I remember so clearly a warm sunny day a couple months after my first son was born back in 1991. I was sitting outside on a blanket with my new baby boy and I remember thinking how I couldn’t wait for time to hurry so I would be able to play with this little creature who just laid there looking around. I remember thinking it would take forever before that would happen. Now I realize that forever wasn’t really so far away. That little baby that laid so sweetly beside me very quickly grew into that little boy I wanted to run around and play with. But the thing about hurrying time is it doesn’t slow down from there it keeps on going faster and faster. By the time I had my third baby boy I started to realize how quickly babies grow. Its been 21 years since my first son was born and I can honestly say I have no idea how all this time has flown by so quickly. I wish I could go back to that warm day when my first baby boy laid on that blanket. I would take back my wish for time to hurry. I would go back to that moment and just enjoy holding this tiny little creature and just pour all my love into him. I realize now that I made a wish and it came true. I wished for time to move faster and that is what it did. The older I get the faster it seems to move. I now wish I had never made that wish. I wish I had the patience I’ve learned over the years way back then (although some would argue that I still don’t have any patience). I wish I wasn’t in such a rush. I wish I knew then just how precious time really is.
Today I woke up feeling sad, anxious and overwhelmed with all the things that are going on in my life. I am in the middle of making some serious life changes that are affecting me. Also there are other things that are upsetting me as well.. Today is my Mom’s Birthday. She is only 66 and she has been in a nursing home for 4 years now with Alzheimer’s disease. I feel such great sadness when I think of her. It would be easier if I knew she wasn’t suffering but every time I go visit her it is obvious that she is. I pray for her suffering to end. The sad part of how her suffering will in end is that means she will have to die. In my opinion death is better than what she is going though now.
I worry about my father who just recently was told he has to go on oxygen for the rest of his life and just before he was told that, his girl friend of two years broke up with him abruptly. He has battled bladder cancer twice so far and still has to keep a close eye on it to make sure it doesn’t come back again. I know my Dad is feeling depressed right now and there is nothing I can do to help him. I can’t go visit him or my mother because they live in Barrie and I don’t have a car. I must admit to feel some guilt over not being able to get there to see them.
I worry about my friend Erich who was my bf until I broke up with him a month ago. He is still very special to me but I can’t be with him while I have another love on my mind. Its just not fair to him. We have been living together since May and now has to move out but he is finding it very difficult to find a new place to live. Around the same time we broke up Erich found himself out of a job as well. He has gone through some difficulties over the last few years that I feel he has not deserved to go through, but then again, do any of us really deserve to go through hell? Not only do I worry about Erich but I am also sad to see him go. He has opened my eyes to so many truths and showed me so much love. More than anything Erich has been a great friend to me. It is because of Erich that I realized that I was still in love with my ex. He even went as far as to encourage to me to try and work things out with Adam. Even though I know that Erich and I not being together is the right thing, I can’t help but feel some sadness at not having him in my life any more.
I worry about Adam, the man I am in love with. He also has been through some rough times that he hasn’t deserved. I only hope he loves me enough to have patience to wait for me. I hope he has enough love for me to understand that I may be crazy but I am authentic and full of love and I mean well in the things I do and say.
I realize this post is on the negative side but I just feel like today is a day to allow myself to feel this way and to allow myself to express how I am feeling. Sometimes we all just need a day to feel sad, a day to grieve. Tomorrow the sun will shine again. Tomorrow I will be glad I gave myself this day to feel my sadness!
I’ve included a video of me visiting my Mother at the nursing home to show some truth about someone who suffers from Alzheimer’s and what its like for the ones who love them. Happy Birthday Mom!
Life is hard when you know truths about life and the the way the world really is. What makes it so hard is that I am alone in my knowledge. Very few people believe the things I believe. Not only do very few people believe but the hardest part to deal with is that people don’t want to know the truth. The truth is not a happy truth. Once you really know what the truth is you can’t go back to not knowing. I am not like most other people. The truth is I can’t be like them and I don’t want to be! I can not waste my short time on this planet sitting in front of a TV watching crap that doesn’t even matter. The only reason TV exists is to control the masses. To make us want. To make us buy. To make us give our money back to the evils that created it in the first place. I also don’t enjoy fluff talk. You know the talk that everyone ‘just does’ to everyone else every single day. Talking about things that don’t matter. Just scraping along the surface of what humans are really made of. Superficial BULLSHIT time sucking pointless drivel is just not for me, it is not my forte.
I am a very passionate person. When I speak about issues I believe in I usually get quite zesty. I speak loudly yet not unintelligently. My hands move around and I can feel this amazing surge of energy go through my whole body. Basically I feel really good. But for some reason some people take my passion and zest for something else. Anger perhaps? Or they think I am “yelling” at them. I came across this problem last night. I had been drinking some wine, so perhaps that was part of the problem. I was speaking passionately to a smoker about how I feel about smoking and why smoking pot was different from smoking cigarettes. As I spoke I did so with a smile on my face and cheer in my heart but the person I was speaking to did not take it that way. He thought I was “yelling” at him and “preaching”. Even though I apologized and tried to explain that was not my intention, it was too late. Not only did he perceive me this way but then he started to speak about my blog as the AntiFictionist. Telling me that I am just another form of propaganda. Which is in a way true, however there is a difference: The Antifictionist is not trying to “SELL” you anything, I as the AntiFictionist am not trying to convince anyone to believe or become indoctrinated to the ideas I share. I am merely trying to encourage people to question the things they have been told, to question the things I write about, to question EVERYTHING!
QUESTION EVERY THING !! EVERY SINGLE THING !!
There is an old saying: “believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see’, go by that.
Our media saturated culture has us unsociably collected afraid and ‘comfortable’ in our homes in front of our brain washing machines, soaking up any and all the dribble that the globes giant corporations have prepared for us with meticulousness, precision, planning and understanding of human psychology. We are all victims of so called ‘capitalism’ and the layer of control of our daily lives is our buying into being willing docile shmeeple, doing what we are told, talking about what we are told to talk about, wanting what we are told to want.
You just can’t open your eyes to this truth and shut them.
It does not work this way.
I can no longer conform even if I wanted to. So here I am alone. Alone on my quest for betterment of society. Betterment of myself. The way I know that this must occur is to continue to express myself in authenticity and with great passion and energy, I know this is the ‘proper’ method for me, since I can sense such a strong surge of strong positive energy when I am besieged in the moment with great excitement telling people of the things I have come to know. I don’t intend to preach, I don’t intend to be another form of ‘propaganda’ I only and have always intended to be inspirational to deeper thinking and questioning of what we all accept as quote: “Normal” on a daily basis in our heavily controlled consumerist fake culture.
I just want everyone I know and Love to have a chance at opening their eyes to the lies we’ve all been trained to believe in since birth, you got over Satan Clause and the Easter bunny didn’t you?