The truth is if you see me walking down the street I don’t look sick. Most days anyway. I am a fast walker, an avid hiker and I love to ride my bike. There is nothing that I can’t do. On most days. Even on some of the days where I am powering down the street I am feeling nauseous and dizzy but I am tough! I can handle a little bit of nausea and dizziness. There are other days, usually the day after I take Methotrexate for my rheumatoid arthritis where I feel much worse. I feel incredibly nauseous and dizzy. I experience diarrhea, stomach pain and vomiting. Then there are other days where my joints flare. They become stiff, swollen and very painful. I find these days very frutrating! I am a go go person. I want to be outside experiencing life. When I am in the house I am getting things done! I am NOT one to sit around. So when my joints flare and I have no choice but to sit I start to get depressed. My freedom of movement is taken from me. My freedom from pain is taken from me. I would say that I am affected by this likely more than the average person. The average person is happy to sit and watch TV and relax. I do NOT watch TV. I am very much feel the need to be a part of the world not sitting back and watching it. Another thing I find frustrating about this disease is the medication I take to control it surpresses my immune system so I get infections easier than other people. That means I get sick more often. What is also frustrating is some peoples inability to understand what I go through. I am expected to act like a normal healthy person because I look that way and most of the time act that way. So when I am taken down for a while people just seem to think I am being lazy or I that I should be able to suck it up and just get r done! For the last week I have been feeling very unwell. I have the chills then the sweats. I feel exhausted and more dizzy and nauseous then usual. I am also going through some emotional stuff right now as well which always seems to make matter worse when it comes to my health. I had to take some time off from work because of my health and a friend of mine told me basically that I need to suck it up and go to work anyway. It is attitudes like this that I find frustrating. I would love nothing more than to just be able to suck it up! In fact I do suck it up, almost everyday I feel unwell to some degree and I suck it up and do what I need to do. But there are times when sucking it up is just not an option. For me to accept this fact of life has been difficult and it only frustrates me more when the people around me can’t understand. Sometimes I am sick. That is just the way it is. Sometimes I need to take time to rest. That is just the way it is. I am not being lazy. I am not slacking. I am sick and I need to take the time to rest, just like the doctor tells me to. I only wish there were more people out there who understood these things. Who understands that I am not an normal healthy person even though it seems that way most of the time. Sometimes all I need is a little bit of love and understanding to make my world a better place. So I can take the time I need to get healthy and be able to get back to life..when I am ready!
Today I woke up feeling sad, anxious and overwhelmed with all the things that are going on in my life. I am in the middle of making some serious life changes that are affecting me. Also there are other things that are upsetting me as well.. Today is my Mom’s Birthday. She is only 66 and she has been in a nursing home for 4 years now with Alzheimer’s disease. I feel such great sadness when I think of her. It would be easier if I knew she wasn’t suffering but every time I go visit her it is obvious that she is. I pray for her suffering to end. The sad part of how her suffering will in end is that means she will have to die. In my opinion death is better than what she is going though now.
I worry about my father who just recently was told he has to go on oxygen for the rest of his life and just before he was told that, his girl friend of two years broke up with him abruptly. He has battled bladder cancer twice so far and still has to keep a close eye on it to make sure it doesn’t come back again. I know my Dad is feeling depressed right now and there is nothing I can do to help him. I can’t go visit him or my mother because they live in Barrie and I don’t have a car. I must admit to feel some guilt over not being able to get there to see them.
I worry about my friend Erich who was my bf until I broke up with him a month ago. He is still very special to me but I can’t be with him while I have another love on my mind. Its just not fair to him. We have been living together since May and now has to move out but he is finding it very difficult to find a new place to live. Around the same time we broke up Erich found himself out of a job as well. He has gone through some difficulties over the last few years that I feel he has not deserved to go through, but then again, do any of us really deserve to go through hell? Not only do I worry about Erich but I am also sad to see him go. He has opened my eyes to so many truths and showed me so much love. More than anything Erich has been a great friend to me. It is because of Erich that I realized that I was still in love with my ex. He even went as far as to encourage to me to try and work things out with Adam. Even though I know that Erich and I not being together is the right thing, I can’t help but feel some sadness at not having him in my life any more.
I worry about Adam, the man I am in love with. He also has been through some rough times that he hasn’t deserved. I only hope he loves me enough to have patience to wait for me. I hope he has enough love for me to understand that I may be crazy but I am authentic and full of love and I mean well in the things I do and say.
I realize this post is on the negative side but I just feel like today is a day to allow myself to feel this way and to allow myself to express how I am feeling. Sometimes we all just need a day to feel sad, a day to grieve. Tomorrow the sun will shine again. Tomorrow I will be glad I gave myself this day to feel my sadness!
I’ve included a video of me visiting my Mother at the nursing home to show some truth about someone who suffers from Alzheimer’s and what its like for the ones who love them. Happy Birthday Mom!